\

Growth.

tumblr_m5uvhdjQuX1qhfryuo1_1280

Do you guys ever get the feeling when you’re going somewhere and you’re so lost in thought that you don’t really pay attention to what’s going on until you finally arrive at your destination?

I think I entered the new year this way except I wasn’t so lost in thought but instead I believe the new year came very candidly to me. Sort of in a way where something snuck into the same room I’m in, but I had no idea it was there. 2016 flew by way to quick yet way to slow. Strangely, I don’t know why but I feel like there’s something missing. I guess you can say I’m not all that pleased with how 2016 went for me. I feel as though I wasted too much time this past year which led to a lot of counter-productivity. I think I need to learn to be more mindful of my time and practice discipline. Which is sort of a new resolution for me this year.

I want to be able to cultivate a culture of discipline and ownership in my life because without it, I believe I won’t be able to confront the toil that is needed in order for growth to be obtained. 

That’s the hardest part. Facing what’s hard in our lives. I think we all, especially me, love to avoid and run away as far as I possibly can. Truthfully, I’ve done that for many years and I think it’s caused me more damage than actually facing what I need to. And for a while now, I haven’t really been growing. For a long time, I’ve been quite stagnant and it’s been painful. This year, I really want to experience my resolution unfold into reality. And to stop telling myself that I can’t or that I’m not good enough.

If we can tell our children they can dream big, be who they want to be, achieve what they want to do, then why can’t we also say those words over ourselves?

My thoughts control my actions and I think it all starts with attitude. Without the right attitude, I’ve already failed. That’s something I think I really need to work on. As hard as it may be, I feel hopeful and even excited. And I hope along with myself, that all of us can work out the afflictions within ourselves and make beauty out of our ashes.

I know it’s late but Happy New Years!

The Boy and a Wolf | Part Two

The moon shined brightly as the color of the morning began to spill its light into the night sky. It created a soft hue of blue and purple—the type of shade that’s produced right before the sun rises. Silence fell over the forest as the boy laid awake beneath the willow tree. Dawn’s light painted a new face over what was once the dark surroundings of the night. However, the boy was lost in his own thoughts that these changes went unnoticed before his eyes. Beside him, the wolf also sat awake staring intently at the boy.

“What causes you to think, little one?”

Before the boy answered, some time passed—for how long, no one knew. Only silence flowed in this space.

“I don’t get why it’s so hard to connect. What is it about you or me, or anyone for that matter to just understand each other?”

The wolf continued to stare intently without breaking its glance; without skipping a beat.

“I like to think that our hearts are like deep oceans. None of us knows what could be lingering around at the bottom. We can only imagine by what springs up to the surface every now and then. But in those instances, when we see what surfaces, is when we may see their heart and understand who they are. In those moments, they share what’s in their ocean with us. That is how we connect.”

The boy stood up and took a few steps past the wolf as his eyes wandered into the depths of the forest.

“I would like to know what lingers at the bottom of yours as you know what lingers in the bottom of mine. But unfortunately, I don’t know what the depths of my ocean holds. If only you could know, then perhaps you also can uniquely make a boy like me named.”

The sun began to peek over the mountain top, gleaming its light over the horizon, robbing the moon of its nighttime brilliance. Until it was nothing more than a thin gray paper moon hanging in the sky.

The Boy and a Wolf.

The boy strolled through the woods where the trees seemed as endless as the ocean. Light spilled through the trees and tinted the trail with warm hues of orange. He had no recollection of how he got there nor who he was. With each step the boy’s eyes lit up in wonder and curiosity. Upon his path was a wolf calmly sitting in front of the boy. Its fur resembled that of ash and its eyes glistened like the sea.

“Excuse me wolf, but would you show me the way out of here?”

There was no answer. The wolf continued to stare deeply at the boy where at this moment—time became still and there was no distinction between reality or dream—every brown leaf that fell from the trees felt ceaseless like the rain.

“It’s okay I’ll just ask another wolf along the way.” The boy shrugged and began to walk passed the wolf.

“I may be a nameless wolf just like any other thousands of wolves. But I can be unique because in your heart, you have the ability to make a wolf like me named.”

The boy turned and met the eyes of the wolf as the gusting winds that spun around them carried off the brown leaves into the very far side of this world.

As October Goes.

Can you guys believe it’s already the middle of October? I remember the beginning of this year like yesterday and now we’re already almost done with 2015. Just like that–another year–another chapter in my life draws near to an end. This month and even last month has been quite rough for me. It feels like the more I learn about myself, the more confused I feel. I don’t quite know what I’m doing in my life and why I do them. Everyday feels like a routine with no heart behind my work. Sometimes, I feel like my life is a deep well. I won’t know what’s at the bottom because it’s too dark. I’m left confused and questioning what could possibly be. The only thing I can do is imagine by what comes floating up to the surface every once in a while, but even then it’s always never the same thing. I guess I’m just feeling very frustrated and unsure of everything.

What stage of life are you guys currently in? What are you guys living for?

The Sun’s Musing and The Moon’s Laughter.

“So, tell me Kaleb, How have you been?”

Two menus were neatly folded on the edge of the table. It seemed like she hasn’t opened them–perhaps to wait for Kaleb to arrive. He instinctively glanced at his watch and it read: 7:09PM. There was a window next to the booth where they were sitting. He was able to see the sun touch the horizon–sending a robust shades of orange into the sky. The streets were filled with cars and it always strangely caught Kaleb’s curiosity how people methodically go inside machines that takes them to-and-from places all over the city. At one moment, you could catch a glimpse of these people’s faces, and then the next, the memories of them vanish into the deep ocean of your mind, never to return to the surface again.

“Honestly Allie, it’s quite hard to sum up how I’ve been doing when we haven’t seen each other in a year.”
“That’s true! Since last August huh? Feels like it’s been longer than that but still, just give me a brief summary. Whatever you feel like sharing.”
“I started free lancing as a graphic designer. So I’ve been working on a few projects for several different jobs at the moment. Other than that though, not much. Ever since I graduated I haven’t been doing much besides looking for work.”
“Wow how awesome! That’s great to hear!”
“Thanks Allie. How long will you be staying here in L.A? I know you’re on a business trip but I’d like to know for how long.”
“For about one week. I will be leaving on Sunday morning. So basically six days.”

Once the waiter came by, he took our orders and left. The night was filled with reminiscent conversations, laughter, and the consumption of alcohol. The sun was no longer to be seen but now the moon had taken its place and with it, a set of stars burning brightly in their place. Allie was dressed very fashionably. Most likely because she got off of work and came straight to the restaurant. She let her straight brown hair down to her shoulders and wore elegant silver earrings. Allie’s skin was clear and free of blemishes except for the hint of red; probably because of the alcohol. All night a smile played around her straight lips and her round eyes never broke my gaze. She was truly beautiful.

“Allie I’ve never seen you drink this much. Something up? You usually always limit yourself.”
“Calm down Kaleb. Sometimes, people have to let go. Grab a few drinks, laugh loudly, sing songs, whatever helps you unwind.”

At this point, Allie’s entire demeanor changed. There was something hollow in her eyes and her warmth no longer remained in her words. She cupped her hands around her drink and twirled the contents with the straw. The atmosphere encircling Allie was something Kaleb had never witnessed.

“What are you saying? When did the concrete and logical Allie turn into such an emotional sap?”

There was a brief pause before she spoke. She seemed to completely ignore what he said. Almost as if she didn’t hear him at all.

“You know what I’ve always liked about you Kaleb? I was always drawn not by some noticeable, visible beauty or attraction, but by something deeper. It’s sort of hard to explain. Just as some people keep a secret love for rain, solitude, or nature, I also probably had this intangible pull towards you.”
“Wait what? Allie you have a boyfriend. Why are you saying things like that?”
“I don’t mean it like that silly.”

She faced her head down parallel to the table, with her hands still wrapped around her drink. She was quiet for some time. Kaleb’s face felt hot from the blood rushing to it–whether it was the alcohol or the strangeness of Allie’s behavior–he could not say. No words were able to form in his mind and manifest into audible sound. He sat there, giving himself up to silence.

“Kaleb, my boyfriend died last month.”

(Would you guys like to see a Part 2? I’m debating whether to progress this story further or not. Let me know what you guys think!)

A Woman and a Moon.

The sky had begun to change color. It was strange–the kind of tones it produced in between–where the orange of the horizon met with the violet sky. A crescent moon appeared to bid the sun farewell as it went to greet the other side of the world. This everyday occurrence never struck me as unusual until now. Most of the time, this happened without my knowing. As though the heavens exchanged secrets in my oblivion.

“Would you like more whiskey?”

The bartender looked like he was in his mid thirties. Dark brown hair fell over his forehead and his beard covered most of the face.

“No thank you. I’m good for now.”

He gave a warm smile and with a look of weariness, walked away to attend other customers. This was my usual spot I’d go to after work when I needed to wind down. I’d come here with a book and always ordered a few glasses of whiskey. This place was quiet for the most part. A perfect place to relax and think but strangely, today wasn’t. Crowds of people flooded the bar and the noise of conversations filled the air. It quickly became suffocating. I closed my book and gulped down the rest of my whiskey in efforts to leave.

“Gin and tonic with Tanqueray please.”

A voice came out from a young woman as she pulled up a chair and sat beside me.

“Whiskey huh? What book are you reading?”

I looked over at her in surprise–no words left me. She wore a gentle smile and looked quite young. Perhaps in her early twenties. She had straight black hair that rested lightly on her shoulders. There was something graceful about her demeanor; an essence of beauty escaped from her every gesture. Her eyes peered into mine. Not once, did they ever lose contact. Although, there was something cold about them.

“Just a novel I decided to pick up. You’re here alone?”
“Yup. Just ended work and decided to go for a drink.”
“Weird, that’s the same for me. I come here quite often. Usually it’s never this loud though.”
“Really? I come here often as well. Strange how I’ve never seen you until now! It seriously is loud here.”

The bartender came by and dropped off the Gin and Tonic and left. She then grabbed the straw and twirled around the ice and liquid that occupied the glass. She stared intently at her drink and went silent for some time. I looked at my watch and it read: 8:07PM. The sky was finally engulfed in darkness but this time the crescent moon had vanished.

“Hey, would you care to join me for a walk? The beach is right by here. Let’s get out of this place.”

She seemed very serious and I detected a hint of sadness in her voice. This sort of thing has never happened before which made me cautious but something inside of me wanted to accompany her.

“Excuse me, can we please get the bill? You can go ahead and put her drink on my tab.”

The bartender looked at me with confusion and a startled face. I stared back at him.

“Sir, you’ve been here alone the entire time. What other person are you talking about?”

In confusion I looked over to my side and the bartender was right–there was no one else. The Gin and Tonic had just been sitting in front of me the whole time; a pool of water formed around the glass. Panic filled my entire being and fear crippled my ability to speak. I slowly turned my head in hopes that she was there, but surely without a doubt, she had vanished. After paying the bill and thanking the bartender, I drove to the beach that was nearby. My watch read: 9:22PM. Once I arrived I ran to the shore, placed my feet into the wet sand, and looked up into the sky. As if to ask a question to such confusion, the sky gave no answer. The only thing before me was the aggressive waves of the ocean and still no crescent moon to be seen. Perhaps, it has vanished for the rest of time and the only memory of it will be when the sun left to the far side of the world as the moon bid its final farewell.

Strolls on a Rainy Night.

Rain began to fall abruptly and without mercy. I had nothing to cover myself with but I wasn’t displeased. All I had planned was to take a stroll on a warm summer night at the hiking trails near my neighborhood. Fortunately, it continued to stay warm despite the rain. It was the perfect night. I would do this whenever I was stressed out or was filled with grief. This time it was both. Without hesitation, I gave myself up to nature’s kiss–taking me completely. I remained static this way for quite some time.

Night walks were never out of the ordinary for me–something I did quite often. It was my way of letting go the things I held captive inside of me. For the briefest moment, time is perfectly still and gently my demons would fly off into the far side of the world. Tonight was one of those nights. I paraded through the trail until I reached its peak. My head to my socks were soaked but I didn’t mind. The scenery as I’ve become accustomed to was as astounding as it’s always been; never-failing to prove its magnificence to me. It was an image that I soon imprinted on the walls of my mind. Perhaps it would show up in one of my dreams–a place without a beginning or an end. I wanted to stay here forever. My body was still and my thoughts flushed away in the rain. I couldn’t tell for how long but I enjoyed every minute of it. The same question always prevailed over me, “What are you so afraid of?”

Of course, I could never truly answer. It’s not because I didn’t want to, but I didn’t know how to. That question always ate me up inside. I found myself feeling frustrated and although solace greets me in these places, fear would always come rushing over from the far side of the world to find me once again.