Posted on February 16, 2016
Ever since Spring semester started I’ve been trying to wake up earlier, fix myself a simple breakfast, and brew a cup of coffee each morning. I think it’s been good for me because it gives me time to think as I give myself up to its silence. There are things I find during this time. Sometimes, I uncover peace and other times grief is quick to greet me. To be completely honest, ever since the start of this new year I’ve been quite depressed. I like to think the number of days in a life is like the number of sand in an hourglass. Eventually, the last grain will fall as we breathe our last breath. We don’t have forever the way our delusional eyes paint for us. Thus, there has to be a sense of urgency with the way we spend our day because it is a day we’ll never get back. Therefore, my lack of productivity, and the lack of attempt to chase what I love has been excruciatingly painful for me. Unfortunately, the clock is ticking and the hours are going by. The past increases as the future recedes, and it feels like my possibilities are slipping away as regrets are collected. Perhaps I’m being dramatic? Yeah, probably. This has been on my mind for some time now. I just wish I can get myself to do something about it but strangely, I won’t. I don’t know why.
I haven’t posted in about a month and I haven’t even touched this blog since. I guess my mind has just been elsewhere lately. However, I think it’s about time I start coming back and begin posting regularly. If you guys have read to the end of this long rant, then please write a comment! How has your guys’ 2016 been so far?
Posted on December 20, 2015
I know I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve just been so busy lately, but I’m officially on winter break! It feels so good to relax until I go back for Spring semester. I’ve actually been finished with school since last week but haven’t gotten around posting until now.
To be quite honest, I’ve been very stressed and a bit depressed lately. Something I don’t like to mention about myself is that I experience episodes of depression often. I think I really want to just get away. I’m glad I’m doing a lot of traveling over the winter (which I will post about more later). I really want to just take some time away from my busy routines and responsibilities, but perhaps that means I’m just running away.
It’s really hard to deal with obstacles when they are self-made. I become the writer of my own suffering–where my pen of grief meets the fragile paper of my heart. Dramatic? Yeah, probably but it feels like that a lot of the times. Christmas is just around the corner, a holiday that I’ve always loved, yet joy and excitement is slow to greet me this time around.
I need to push through.
How are you guys doing? How’s December been going for all of you?
Posted on September 15, 2015
As I’m writing this post, I’m not really formulating thoughts and trying to make structure. At this moment, I’m typing out the thoughts that are coming to me. Perhaps it’s because the hour is late, or perhaps I just don’t care right now. Whatever the reason, I felt the need to write this.
When I look at the past few months of my life, I can’t help but notice a consistency of depression. Actually, no. This entire year so far has felt this way. A part of me is afraid to confess this over a public post. I don’t enjoy being vulnerable and try my best to hide who I am and what I feel. I think it’s because I’m afraid of what people think. I don’t know..
It’s there in every corner. Every morning. Everything that I do. Depression never fails to greet me. It sucks. I feel suffocated and all I ever want to do is escape. Do you guys ever feel this way? For this long? Is what I’m feeling relatable? Or am I just spouting nonsense? It’s as though the sound of my cries echo into oblivion and vaporizes into thin air–where the sound will never reach the ears of hope. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just giving myself a pity party. I don’t know..
I feel so tired.
My hands are tired.
My feet are tired.
My heart is tired.
My soul is tired.