Romanticizing Idleness.

image image            image Am I in love with idleness?

My emotions seem to travel ahead of me. My thoughts, even miles above that. Words trail off my lips and tumble into places where I can’t find them. Thus, I’ve become so forgetful of the promises I make to myself. How long has it been since I’ve tried to be faithful in my disciplines?
I feel as though I am in a constructive relationship with discipline. But secretly, I romanticize idleness and it is in that secrecy that I allow its comfort to fabricate me. I’ve grown deeply attached to it. Lately, meeting up with discipline has become less frequent and the spaces between each appointment is almost endless. It is in this extensive space that I am discovering what is unknown to me. Misery and decay slowly remain after comfort passes and becomes faint. I realized that discipline is the soul of true wisdom and its echo lingers deep within me.

Ocean waves.

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Whenever I go to the beach, I always find myself standing by the shore, instinctively gazing out into the ocean. Has anyone ever noticed how threatening it actually looks? We’re marveling at a vast body of water where no one really knows its depths. That causes some sort of insecurity for me. But as the ocean forms its mighty waves, they crash against the sand as quickly as they came, simmering down to mere bubbles between my toes. Isn’t it so strange that something so dangerous and unknown, can also be so elegant and gentle?

For a really long time now, I’ve only been able to allow the water to come waist-high and I stop it there. I’m always too afraid of uncertainty being out in such open waters. What if I drown? What if the waves overwhelm me? What if I get thrown around underneath? I’ve been apprehensive for so long. Fearing thoughts of being in neck-deep. Fearing sinking into the dark abyss. Fearing my feet will no longer be able to touch the sand beneath me. All of it. But there’s one significant thing I was unaware of the entire time: It doesn’t matter how frightening the ocean is. The waves can become enormous and terrifying, but it means nothing of how far out and deep I go. It cannot render me powerless for its illusions of fear is fleeting. From the very beginning to the end of everything, the Father has been and will always be holding tightly onto my hand. Through all the treacherous tides, You don’t plan to let go. It is You who leads me.

Lord, I am no longer afraid.

Raindrops.


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Today has been a wonderful day. Sure, it’s rather gloomy and it’s been raining all day long, but I find comfort as the rain pours: the sound of rain crashing onto the ground, the smell of wet asphalt filling the air, and the sensation of raindrops hitting against my skin. People are so quick to find cover from the rain, but why? How often does rain come our way? There’s a certain sense of rhythm that the rain creates and it does a spectacular job to provide its beat for me. I wish its melodious sonnet would never end.

Whenever the rain falls, I find myself spectating over every event that has led me to where I am today, but without much thought. Why do I stay stuck in the past? I think the reason is I have yet to accept those defining moments that governed my life and move on. Every mistake I’ve made and anguish that I’ve felt has just been placed under a veil of deliberate ignorance. They were attempts to escape my own agony, but of course, were to no avail. I’ve tried and tried to hide these things about myself, and when it came close to the surface of my heart, I suppressed them once again. Maybe the best thing to do when it’s raining is to just let it rain.

Gratitude.

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It’s surprising how much time has passed.

Whenever I’m in the moment, time is so slow. Every minute that passes feels like it’s followed by a decade before another minute comes. Thus, it makes me think that I can take my time and not rush my important responsibilities. It’s feels as though I’m given the grace to make excuses, and be immature, lazy, and irresponsible. Looking at things in hindsight, I realized how fast it all flew by; I’ll never be able to go back to make up what has been lost. I feel as if there’s an infinite amount of mysterious secrets and time chooses when she wants them to be revealed. But when she does reveal them, they always come with a wise lesson that is to be taught. This time I was given a lesson of gratitude: How often am I really being thankful and appreciative? In all honesty, it’s very rare. In today’s culture, we have a holiday where we celebrate gratitude once a year. Everyone gets the day off from their daily responsibilities like school and work, gather all their friends and families, prepare an extraordinary feast, and voice what they are thankful for around the dinner table. Shouldn’t we be practicing this level of mindfulness and sincerity towards the idea of thanksgiving every day? There are so many blessings that go overlooked and we don’t take the time to be thankful for them.

Here’s what I mean:

I am thankful for the ridiculous fights my parents have because that means I at least have parents in my life.

I am thankful for how much my brother gets on my NERVES because that means I am no longer the only child I was supposed to be.

I am thankful for the clogging sink that never seems to get fixed because that means I have running water.

I am thankful for being able to park WAY in the back of the parking lot instead of a handicap space because it means I’m physically functional.

I am thankful for waking up early every single weekend because it means I can have the honor to serve God’s kingdom.

I am thankful for all the enormous bills we have to pay because that means my family is blessed with living needs being met.

Truly, I mean every word and breath when I say that I am beyond thankful the Lord gives me another day, week, month, and even another year to live and experience the wonderful blessings He’s given to me here on Earth. Thank you Jesus!