Disillusionment.

Notepad, laptop and coffee cup on wood table

Hey everyone! I’m sorry for not posting for such a long time. School has seriously been kicking me in the butt. I thought after a few tests that I had I was able to breathe, but I was wrong. In fact, I don’t see myself realistically finding a moment to breathe until this semester is actually over (which is quite unfortunate because I feel like I’m not able to what I want such as blogging, taking pictures, etc).

This week, much like the last time I posted, was made up of similar events. I studied, studied, and yeah, studied some more. I’m quite exhausted but in between all the studying, I’ve been able to slip in some time to journal. It sort of helped me stay sane–almost like my tool to escape becoming disillusioned. I’ve been journaling how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, things that’s happened, plan future events, etc.

Speaking of future events, I know I haven’t been able to post up anything interesting but around December, once I end school, I will be traveling and taking a lot of pictures. I can’t wait! I’m already anticipating the excitement. That’s how I’ll be spending my holidays! How about you guys? Thanksgiving and Christmas is right around the corner. How are you guys going to spend the holidays as this year comes to and end? Please leave a comment below because I’d love to know you guys more! Till then, cheers!

A Week Full of Papers and Coffee.

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Hello everyone!

It’s been pretty hectic this week because of school and so, I haven’t had the time to put up any posts. I’m still sort of stressing out as I’m studying this week (haha). But during the moments where I’m not looking at a textbook or papers in front of me, or the moments where I’m not mentally being killed by them, I spent some time looking through old pictures. Here are some pictures from the time I went traveling around Portland, Oregon and Seattle, Washington. As I was browsing through, it made me really want to travel again. This whole week I was thinking to myself: “As soon as I finish this semester, I’m going to go on a trip again this winter!” I’ve been quite tired but squeezing in this little time to blog is refreshing.

How has your guys’ weeks been? What have you guys been up to? Please leave a comment because I’d love to hear what you guys experience and go through! Cheers!

As October Goes.

Can you guys believe it’s already the middle of October? I remember the beginning of this year like yesterday and now we’re already almost done with 2015. Just like that–another year–another chapter in my life draws near to an end. This month and even last month has been quite rough for me. It feels like the more I learn about myself, the more confused I feel. I don’t quite know what I’m doing in my life and why I do them. Everyday feels like a routine with no heart behind my work. Sometimes, I feel like my life is a deep well. I won’t know what’s at the bottom because it’s too dark. I’m left confused and questioning what could possibly be. The only thing I can do is imagine by what comes floating up to the surface every once in a while, but even then it’s always never the same thing. I guess I’m just feeling very frustrated and unsure of everything.

What stage of life are you guys currently in? What are you guys living for?

Intangible Emotions.

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I took these pictures when I was in Portland, Oregon. I visited an enormous bookstore there called: “Powell’s Bookstore.” One of the biggest bookstores I’ve ever seen. It was definitely beautiful and of course, I bought myself a book. Who wouldn’t right? As I was waiting in line and looked at the word “litmosphere”, I had no idea the word existed. The more I waited in line, the more I pondered its meaning. As you can tell, there’s two definitions and I found myself attracted to the second one. Don’t you guys ever feel that way in certain places? Whether it’s a coffee shop, a quiet park, or even at the beach. Have you guys ever stopped at a certain scenery and thought to yourself, “I could seriously read a book right now”?

I think the reason we do, or at least for me, is because I tie the beautiful and dreamlike scenery to the surrealism of a story I find within the pages of a book–and actually vise versa. It’s strange how my mind works. It doesn’t even have to be scenery and it doesn’t even have to be a literary mood. There’s an intangible emotion that’s pulled from an intangible atmosphere–the kind that makes us say, “ahh..” and then immediately our mind wanders into some surreal world within our beings. I think that’s why I enjoy reading books, writing, nature, photography, music, traveling, etc. They all have this common unspoken–undefinable trait that allures me. Perhaps litmosphere is the word to describe the undefinable mood when it comes to literature.

If so, then what are the words that describe all the other intangible–surreal moods? When do you guys usually feel this type of mood?

Crippling Fear.

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I was pretty scared standing up here. I have a strange fear of heights so whenever I peered over to the sides and looked down, I felt very unsettled. It felt like at any moment, I would just fall off or the bridge would just collapse. The view was beautiful I can’t deny, but still, the entire time I just wasn’t fully at peace. Just the thought of falling off knowing that it would kill me was frightening. The only thing keeping me from death was my own deliberate choice of not jumping. Isn’t that insane?

As I was thinking those thoughts, I realized how irrational they were. If I were to let those thoughts get any more ridiculous or unreasonable, would I have not walked through this bridge? It makes me wonder. Where is the fine line between trusting reason as reality, or paranoia as reality? Fear really cripples us. Even though this specific case is a little comical, there are many other cases where fear hinders us from reasonable and beautiful things. Fear robs us of joy, experience, and beauty. In my opinion, fear may seem real, but really, it’s just a lie. At the end of the day, the question has to be asked: “Am I going to let my fear stop me from doing what I want to do or what I love?”

To some, this scenario with the bridge may seem ridiculous. To others, that fear may really be hindering. But I would like to ask you guys: “What sort of fears are holding you back today?”

The Sun’s Musing and The Moon’s Laughter.

“So, tell me Kaleb, How have you been?”

Two menus were neatly folded on the edge of the table. It seemed like she hasn’t opened them–perhaps to wait for Kaleb to arrive. He instinctively glanced at his watch and it read: 7:09PM. There was a window next to the booth where they were sitting. He was able to see the sun touch the horizon–sending a robust shades of orange into the sky. The streets were filled with cars and it always strangely caught Kaleb’s curiosity how people methodically go inside machines that takes them to-and-from places all over the city. At one moment, you could catch a glimpse of these people’s faces, and then the next, the memories of them vanish into the deep ocean of your mind, never to return to the surface again.

“Honestly Allie, it’s quite hard to sum up how I’ve been doing when we haven’t seen each other in a year.”
“That’s true! Since last August huh? Feels like it’s been longer than that but still, just give me a brief summary. Whatever you feel like sharing.”
“I started free lancing as a graphic designer. So I’ve been working on a few projects for several different jobs at the moment. Other than that though, not much. Ever since I graduated I haven’t been doing much besides looking for work.”
“Wow how awesome! That’s great to hear!”
“Thanks Allie. How long will you be staying here in L.A? I know you’re on a business trip but I’d like to know for how long.”
“For about one week. I will be leaving on Sunday morning. So basically six days.”

Once the waiter came by, he took our orders and left. The night was filled with reminiscent conversations, laughter, and the consumption of alcohol. The sun was no longer to be seen but now the moon had taken its place and with it, a set of stars burning brightly in their place. Allie was dressed very fashionably. Most likely because she got off of work and came straight to the restaurant. She let her straight brown hair down to her shoulders and wore elegant silver earrings. Allie’s skin was clear and free of blemishes except for the hint of red; probably because of the alcohol. All night a smile played around her straight lips and her round eyes never broke my gaze. She was truly beautiful.

“Allie I’ve never seen you drink this much. Something up? You usually always limit yourself.”
“Calm down Kaleb. Sometimes, people have to let go. Grab a few drinks, laugh loudly, sing songs, whatever helps you unwind.”

At this point, Allie’s entire demeanor changed. There was something hollow in her eyes and her warmth no longer remained in her words. She cupped her hands around her drink and twirled the contents with the straw. The atmosphere encircling Allie was something Kaleb had never witnessed.

“What are you saying? When did the concrete and logical Allie turn into such an emotional sap?”

There was a brief pause before she spoke. She seemed to completely ignore what he said. Almost as if she didn’t hear him at all.

“You know what I’ve always liked about you Kaleb? I was always drawn not by some noticeable, visible beauty or attraction, but by something deeper. It’s sort of hard to explain. Just as some people keep a secret love for rain, solitude, or nature, I also probably had this intangible pull towards you.”
“Wait what? Allie you have a boyfriend. Why are you saying things like that?”
“I don’t mean it like that silly.”

She faced her head down parallel to the table, with her hands still wrapped around her drink. She was quiet for some time. Kaleb’s face felt hot from the blood rushing to it–whether it was the alcohol or the strangeness of Allie’s behavior–he could not say. No words were able to form in his mind and manifest into audible sound. He sat there, giving himself up to silence.

“Kaleb, my boyfriend died last month.”

(Would you guys like to see a Part 2? I’m debating whether to progress this story further or not. Let me know what you guys think!)

Depression’s Greetings.

As I’m writing this post, I’m not really formulating thoughts and trying to make structure. At this moment, I’m typing out the thoughts that are coming to me. Perhaps it’s because the hour is late, or perhaps I just don’t care right now. Whatever the reason, I felt the need to write this.

When I look at the past few months of my life, I can’t help but notice a consistency of depression. Actually, no. This entire year so far has felt this way. A part of me is afraid to confess this over a public post. I don’t enjoy being vulnerable and try my best to hide who I am and what I feel. I think it’s because I’m afraid of what people think. I don’t know..

It’s there in every corner. Every morning. Everything that I do. Depression never fails to greet me. It sucks. I feel suffocated and all I ever want to do is escape. Do you guys ever feel this way? For this long? Is what I’m feeling relatable? Or am I just spouting nonsense? It’s as though the sound of my cries echo into oblivion and vaporizes into thin air–where the sound will never reach the ears of hope. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just giving myself a pity party. I don’t know..

I feel so tired.

My hands are tired.

My feet are tired.

My heart is tired.

My soul is tired.