The plague named Anxiety.

It’s been a long week for me.

For some time now, I’ve been playing with this question in my head: “What are you seeking?” It would come to me without my notice or even my welcome. Before I even knew it, it was there, pinned onto the walls my mind. The more I tried to ignore it the more it would tether itself onto me. It greets me in the morning, accompanies me in solitude, and follows me in my efforts of escape–its presence is inevitable.

When I stop and think about it, the answer seemed simple yet, satisfaction never rested with me. Aren’t I seeking to live out what I love to do? To write, play music, photography, and all my other passions. Is that not what I’m seeking? But why am I not satisfied with those? Anxiety latched itself onto every answer I gave. I am chained to it.

I’ve come to realize something though. As of this point in my life, the answer to the question that haunts me isn’t living out what I love to do. I do all those things in order to escape from anxiety as much as possible. When I write, play music, take pictures, go on night walks, travel, hike, and whatever else; I do them because they somehow numb the anxiety that grows within me. Those things make me feel confident, assured, secure, and most importantly: human. That is what I seem to be seeking.

Now the real question is: “What am I anxious about?”

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10 Comments on “The plague named Anxiety.

  1. It’s easy to know what your passions are, but the hardest part in life is to find out and acknowledge what you fear/are anxious about. Definitely not an easy task, but once you figure it out, you emerge stronger than before. Good thoughts.

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  2. I can relate, but I engaged in hobbies where I had no passion. Now, I do what I’m most passionate about and though I have learned a few of my fears I can’t say knowing them has made me stronger. However, I believe its our fears and anxieties that makes us human.

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    • I think you’re right. Definitely these emotions is what defines us as human. Perhaps instead of trying to escape them, maybe we should accept them? Thank you for your comment I appreciate your input.

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  3. I think you have figured part of it out, John. As you say just above, “instead of trying to escape them, maybe we should accept them?” I’m thinking what if you were to embrace them in the sense that you “accept” them only so much as then you ask yourself how you can deal with them and then work on that. We tend to be anxious of things that often really don’t happen but that seem to play out in our minds, if we let them, and cause us unnecessary inner turmoil. So, some of the answers may be in just finding ways to handle them….small steps of doing, and over time, looking back, we may see that we have changed things for the better. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you! Perhaps you are right. It’s only the moment that I may feel like this but it won’t be forever. Looking back in hindsight I’ll probably laugh at this moment. I appreciate your encouraging words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Funny how we can get stuck in our perspective on some things and fret, and all it takes is just someone’s slightly different take on it….and then somehow that weight of doubt or uncertainty feels lifted.

        Liked by 1 person

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